Family Guy: When Boars and Bulls Collide
by Scotty Dangerously
Summary: This could be one of the future episodes of Family Guy. It reflects the real-life events of how people have been crazy about bacon, as well as real-life issues of school bullying.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 - Peter Griffin Buys Too Much Bacon**

It all started late afternoon, when Chris and Meg came home fighting and arguing over lunch money and when Peter came home with a bonus paystub from work.

"Mom!" complained Meg, "Chris won't stop stealing money from me."

"But Meg," whined Chris, "The transgendered bully keeps stealing from me."

"Will you kids just shut the hell up, so I can explain something to you?" yelled Lois.

Chris and Meg chose to shut up.

"I can't go on giving a lot of money to you kids," said Lois, "Because your dad and I are still on a tight budget and your dad has not been working enough hours. So you kids need to pack your own lunches and bring them to school."

"But what if that bullying bitch steals away my lunch?" asked Chris.

"Chris," responded Lois, "You need to attend some counseling."

Peter jumped into the kitchen and disrupted the conversation.

"Guess what Lois," shouted Peter, "I got $500 bonus money from work. Heh heh heh heh!"

"It's about time, Peter," said Lois, "Because you need to go grocery shopping right away and those kids need to bring their own lunches to school, instead of lunch money."

"No problem, Lois," said Peter, "I'll do the shopping myself. At least, I got CapitalOne."

A viking appeared in the kitchen and announced, "What's in your Wallet?"

Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian sat around in the living room arguing over Wheat Thins.

"I can't believe that all we have left to eat in this house right now are those Wheathins," complained Brian.

"You're still not pronouncing it right, Brian," complained Stewie, "It's Wheat...Thins."

"Stewie, I haven't eaten all day, so I just want some fucking Wheathins."

"I'd give you some, if you just pronounce the words right."

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIMME SOME GODDAMN WHEATHINS!"

"Can I be in the commercial?" asked Peter.

"THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL, YOU FAT-ASS PIECE OF SHIT!" screamed Stewie.

"I forgot," said Peter, "We're actually in a TV show."

Later, Peter went to the grocery store and noticed some bacon on sale for 50% off.

"Holy crap!" shouted Peter, "Half off for bacon? Get the fuck outta town!"

"Yup," said a sales associate, "It's nearly expired bacon for 50% off!"

"I'll buy it all!" responded Peter, "Reminds me of the time when Kermit and Miss Piggy had to divorce."

***CUTAWAY GAG BEGINS***

Miss Piggy came home and noticed Kermit having a BLT and a 40-ounce beer for supper.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?" shouted Miss Piggy.

"It's a BLT," answered Kermit.

"B...L...T?" shouted Miss Piggy, "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M PACKING MY BAGS AND MOVING AWAY! WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE!"

"Why the fuck are you doing that?" complained Kermit, "Because I'm eating bacon?"

"Damn right you pig eater!" responded Miss Piggy.

"You know what?" complained Kermit, "I don't give a shit, because I hate fucking pigs like you, ya fatass bitch!"

"I'll have you neutered, once I get our divorce finalized," threatened Miss Piggy.

***CUTAWAY GAG ENDS***

Peter came to the check-out lane with a cart full of bacon, and the cashier was shocked.

"Are you really gonna eat the entire pig in a short amount of time?" asked the cashier. "Because all that bacon is gonna rot in a short period of time."

"Who knows?" responded Peter, "Life is just better with bacon."

The cashier scanned all the cheap bacon in the cart, and Peter was charged more than $500. Peter spent all his $500 bonus and his CapitalOne on the bacon.

Later, Peter came home and crammed all the bacon into the fridge and the freezer. A few minutes later, Lois came into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She was disgusted to see nothing but bacon.

"PETER!" shouted Lois, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU BUY BACON?"

"Because bacon is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Heh heh heh!" answered Peter.

"I want this bacon gone by tomorrow, and I want it replaced with real food," demanded Lois.

"Tell you what, Lois," explained Peter, "I will take you and the kids out to dinner at Red Robin, and we'll just talk it over. The dinners will all be on me."

"Alright, Peter," said Lois, "We'll all go out to dinner tonight, but I better see real food on the table in this house tomorrow night."

"Whatever Lois," said Peter, "It's a deal."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Bacon, Bacon, and More Bacon**

As the Griffins sat around the table at Red Robin, Peter and Lois were starting a conversation about why it's not good to have bacon around the house.

"Lois," explained Peter, "I only bought bacon, because it was all half off on sale."

"But that doesn't give you an excuse to automatically buy a shitload of bacon," responded Lois, "the bottom line is that it just isn't healthy. That is why I want you to to get rid of that stupid bacon."

The waiter came to the table.

"Is everyone ready to order?" asked the waiter.

"Yep," answered Peter, "I'll start off with an appetizer...deep fried bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers...for the entree, I'll have the triple bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon...with bacon and cheddar fries with jalapenos and extra bacon bits and a side of bacon ranch dip...and...can you pour a lot of bacon all over my entree, too?"

"Sure thing, sir," responded the waiter.

"I'll have what my dad is having," shouted Chris, "Because I love bacon..YEAH!"

"And for you, ladies," the waiter asked Meg and Lois.

"Can't I have something that does not have bacon in it?" complained Meg, "Like just a plain Caesar salad?"

"Yes, madam," responded the waiter.

"Not much room for me," sighed Lois, "I just lost my appetite."

"I'll just have a heaping plate of bacon!" shouted Stewie with joy, "Because I love bacon and it would be so much better than the time I was having sex with Kate Hudson."

[cutaway]

Stewie and Kate lay in bed feeling disgusted.

"So is this how you 'Lose a Guy in Ten Days'?" asked Stewie, "Or is it that I don't know much about 'Bride Wars'?"

"You are so full of shit, Stewie," complained Kate.

[end]

Later, Peter and the Griffins sat there feeling full of food.

"Wow," said Peter, "I am so full of bacon food. That was the best bacon dinner I've ever had."

"What is this with you and bacon?" complained Lois, "You really disgust me, Peter."

"Is everything okay?" asked the waiter.

"Yeah," said Peter, "May I have a two bacon sundaes to go for my son Chris and I?"

"Sure thing," answered the waiter.

"And I'm ready to pay with my CapitalOne," said Peter.

"Goddammit Peter!" shouted Lois, "What the fuck is wrong with you? I keep lecturing you to quit obsessing with the bacon shit and you continue to not listen to me."

"Cool your jets, Lois," responded Peter, "The bacon at home will disappear tomorrow. I promise."

"Oh sure, Peter," complained Lois, "You told me the same thing about the Tiki man in the basement."

[cutaway]

Mort Goldman appeared in the basement of the Griffin house, and the Tiki man turned Mort into stone.

[end]

The next morning, Peter cooked up several pounds of bacon. He packed some bacon in paper lunch sacks for Chris and Meg. Lois came into the kitchen, shocked to look at large piles of bacon on the breakfast table.

"Good morning, everybody," greeted Peter, "Nothing puts a good start to the day like bacon."

"PETER!," screamed Lois, "YOU KNOW WE DON'T WANT GODDAMN FUCKING BACON FOR BREAKFAST! YOU SAID ALL OF THIS WAS GONNA BE GONE BY TODAY!"

Chris, Brian and Stewie were scrounging into the bacon, eating it pound by pound, while Peter gave another lousy excuse about the bacon.

"I mean, I will get rid of it later today," responded Peter, "I'm just cooking it up, and trying to have the family eat it before it goes to waste."

"That was not what I meant when I told you to get rid of that bacon today," complained Lois, "When I get back home from work, that bacon better be gone."

Peter ignored Lois, and gave Chris and Meg their bacon lunches. As Chris and Meg left the house for school, they looked into their lunches. Chris was happy with the lunch, but Meg was very upset.

"This is so gross," complained Meg, "Nothing but bacon in my lunch, like the time when my dad gave Axl Rose a can of Pepsi and set his hair on fire."

[cutaway]

Peter gave a can of Pepsi to Axl Rose, the lead singer of Guns N' Roses.

"Thanks, man," said Axl.

As Axl started sipping his Pepsi, Peter flicked on his lighter and set Axl's hair on fire. Axl was screaming and running around while his hair was on fire. Then, Axl dunked his head into a bucket of water.

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Axl, "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? MICHAEL JACKSON?"

[end]


End file.
